Forgiveness.

In my other blog I mentioned how I was adopted.  It weighed on me for 19 years, knowing that someone would give me up.  I was bitter, angry and held on these feelings all of my young adult life and only have just opened that part of my life to the public if you will.  I didn't mind talking about it on the surface but going into depth always caused a little bit of pain inside.  My biological mother abused drugs during her pregnancy with me, and at birth I was taken away (seemingly without a fight) it was a miracle I even survived.  I always acknowledged I was blessed to have survived and to be adopted by the two most wonderful parents I have ever known.  My adopted mother and father made countless amounts of sacrifices for my brothers (also adopted) and I, and that was a huge blessing and one of the greatest examples of love I have ever known. I'm also blessed to have countless amounts of parental figures in my life, people at church who have opened their homes, hearts, and families to me.  Too many to name, but I thank God for them and encourage you to take that type of  interest in peoples lives.

Over summer I was  talking to a dear friend who will remain nameless and we were just shooting the breeze and somehow got into our personal lives.  She commended me on the growth that I had made since my pre-teen "wild" years, and I instantly felt guilty.  During my internship this summer I worked with my youth group of great group of kids who I have grown close to and  love so much, I mentored and taught them.  I felt like the biggest hypocrite in the world when I would speak to them about forgiveness for the obvious fact that I was holding onto feelings of resentment towards my biological mother.  I do not hate her, I may have at one point, but I got over that and it turned more into indifference; she could have died and I would have felt nothing, which sounds horrible I can hear everyone saying: "Mikey, that's your mother whether you like it or not she is a person and a child of God," I realize this now but you would have been speaking to an angsty teenager.  My relationship with my biological mom was a joke, there was none, the way I saw it she was my ticket into this world, and a poor one at that since I barely survived being born.  Back to my discussion with my friend, she told me that my feelings of resentment and anger were understandable but not justifiable.  I had been justifying my anger and rage to the fact that she left me, lied to me, and was never there.  But as my friend explained my mother did right by me for the simple fact that she didn't abort me, and that was something I didn't want to hear but needed to.  In the case of my friend, when she was 17 became pregnant and in her youth made a decision to abort her unborn child, a decision she explained to me that pained her and I saw this as she teared up and as I began to feel for her it was at that moment  I realized my mother had done right by me in that way.  But how do you justify leaving a child, using drugs while you're pregnant with him, and lying.  As a teen those things fueled my negative feelings toward Kim (my mother) and if I may be blunt the way the Devil obscured my focus on God.  See I know that we are commanded to forgive (Matthew 18:22; Luke 17:4) and as we should follow the example of our Messiah when he was on the cross he asked God to forgive those who were crucifying Him.  So no matter how you swing it we need to forgive those who have done wrong by us.  But as I've said: Kim did not wrong me, after all she gave me life (by the grace of God) she gave me up and I was adopted by the two most wonderful people I could ever ask for.  After my talk with this friend I was encouraged to write my mother, and I did just that.  I wrote a sizeable letter explaining all the thoughts and emotions going through me, not intended to hurt her but to bring her up to speed on 19 years of issues she caused.  

She saw the letter and was pretty torn up by it, which I regret, but at the end I explained that I am tired of being angry and allowing the Devil to work through me.  For years when my mother got out of prison (the first time since I had met her) she had been pursuing a relationship with me, but not too long after that she was back into prison.  She has since cleaned up her act, settled down and got married, moved up to be close to the rest of my biological family, been baptised, and is apart of a women's ministry that goes and uplifts shut-ins.  I expressed to her that I am ready to have a relationship with her because time is limited: she is HIV positive and tomorrow is promised, so without waiting another day I needed her to know that I forgive her, and I needed you all to know as well.  

It was the most difficult decision I probably have ever made, I allowed hatred, anger, angst, and a false-justification to rule my life.  I was a wreck emotionally and finally fell to my knees and pleaded for strength, I asked you all for prayers and only through Gods strength did I have the courage to face my past and to forgive my mother.  Let me tell you, I was liberated and have no problem talking about anymore.  So thank you for the prayers, and encouragement.  I apologize for the lengthiness of this post and the many grammatical errors.  I just needed to express what I felt and couldn't get the point across in under 250 words.

Here is a link to my friends blog and her account of what I vaguely shared: http://godsheart-heart2heart.blogspot.com/2009/05/tough-call.html